Identity

  One of the most common and most frightening questions people ask themselves is - Who am I?  And there is no shortage of ideas people provide to answer that question.  People define their identity in numerous and varied ways, and the desire to 'know thyself' is deep.

  I have wrestled with defining my identity via my cultural and ethnic background, by my work and achievements, by my failures and mistakes, and a host of other things as well.  I have heard people say "My mistakes do not define me!" or "My past does not define me." or "I just want to be myself."  And at the heart of these statements I believe is the wrestling match we have with ourselves over what will define who we are.

  So, this big question requires some deep thought and considerable exploration.

  Over the course of my spiritual journey with Jesus, I have wrestled with this question, and I have wrestled with what really defines me at the core.  I won't claim I have this all figured out, because I don't, but I will say this: the more I have leaned into the love of Jesus as a core identity marker, the less other things have come to define my identity.  For example, as a student in high school, I loved success and achievement.  I won numerous awards, I participated in many different student organizations, I was a three sport athlete and heavily involved in my church community.  And the more I have reflected on this stage of life, the more I have come to see how I sought identity in my accomplishments.  I felt something every time I was handed a certificate with my name on it, or every time I checked off items on my personal goals list, or received recognition from teachers, coaches, other adults and friends.  I think I loved the feeling so much that it began to define how I saw myself.  And then I went to college...

  When the accolades and the notoriety and recognition waned, because I wasn't the smartest anymore, or one of the most athletic, or the most accomplished in my peer group I found myself searching for another way to define myself.

  It was in college that I was first introduced to Henri Nouwen.  I don't have the time to fully flesh out Nouwen's biography here, sufficed it to say, that Nouwen is a notable author in the area of soul formation.  The first book I read of his was 'In the Name of Jesus', a little paperback book on leadership.  Since then, I have read nearly every book he has written. (There are quite a few!)

  Nouwen opened my eyes for the first time to another path in answering the identity question.  The path of Jesus.  I had never considered that Jesus may be offering me an answer to this very potent question, and when I began to meditate on the possibility it set in motion a new phase of my spiritual journey.  Now, instead of asking 'Who am I?', I began asking - 'Who is Jesus?' and the follow up - 'Who does Jesus say I am?'  This simple and yet profound reframing of the deep question of identity has radically changed my life.  Before, my endeavors were entirely based in what I could do, think, accomplish and achieve.  Now, my work is defined differently, my sense of calling and purpose are defined differently.  Now, I find that it is the love of Jesus for me that compels me to give of myself and think bigger than I did before.

   I see relationship at the heart of reality, and at the heart of my identity.  First relationship with Jesus, and second relationship with other people.  And my identity is not wrapped up in what others think of me as much as what Jesus has done for me, and says about me.

  In Nouwen's words, "I am his beloved."  And, because I am, I now find an identity far larger and more fulfilling than any other I have every pursued.

   Just to be clear, I have not attained this identity in its fullest form.  I have days where any number of things tug and pull at me, and the struggle to define my identity is more messy than neat.  But, I can hear Jesus whispering to me: "I love you. I saved you. And I have work for you to do."

   "Listen to me, follow me, and I will show you who you were meant to be."

   If you are asking yourself core questions regarding your identity, I invite you to consider the Jesus way, it will rock you to your core.

  

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

Hi, my name is Sam, and I am a recovering perfectionist.

There are probably a number of reasons why people develop the tendency toward perfectionism.  Maybe it's psychological or biological wiring.  Maybe it's birth order or family dynamics growing up.  Maybe it's life experiences that shape and push us toward perfectionism.  I don't have the answer to where it comes from, all I know is how I have tried to deal with it over the course of my own journey.

Perfectionism hasn't always had negative effects in my life.  It is possible to see my penchant for organization and productivity and efficiency as results of my perfectionism.  And yet, if I am honest with myself I know that the negative effects may far outweigh these potentially positive results of my perfectionism.

One such negative is the anger that perfectionism produces.  I had never in my life ever thought of myself as an angry person.  If you were to ask anyone who knows me, they would most likely use words like patient, kind and friendly to describe my personality and relationships.  However, while on the journey of seeking to understand my perfectionism, I ran across a personality inventory known as the Enneagram and a book which delves into its depths.  There is a book on the Enneagram by Richard Rohr, which opened my eyes to the insidious and largely undiscovered darkness of my perfectionism.  According to the Enneagram Type Indicator, I am a One, which largely struggles with perfectionism.  But, what I didn't know was that my perfectionism brought with it a root sin - anger.
Ironically, when I read this the first time, it made me angry.  I thought to myself "I am not an angry person!"  "My friends know I am kind, patient and very friendly!" "Who are you to tell me that I struggle with anger!"  And then when those first angry reactions subsided enough for me to think more clearly, it dawned on me, that I did suffer from a form of anger that was quite subtle. 

I call it self-anger.

I am a patient, kind and friendly person with others, but I struggle with anger toward myself when my plans don't work out the way I wanted, or work I invest in doesn't quite turn out the way I had hoped, or when I make mistakes...I get angry and I direct that anger toward myself and internalize it and it then fuels my perfectionism to do better the next time and not make the same mistakes twice and work harder then before.

So, the next question for me was: "What do I do with this information?"  Well, I discovered shortly thereafter (and I credit Jesus with revealing this next step to me) that in order to find freedom from my perfectionism I had to embrace my imperfection, and not just on my own, for that would surely lead me right back into the cycle of enslaving anger and perfection.  Rather, I had to embrace my imperfection while allowing Jesus to embrace me.

This was tough, because I had sat in the cycle of perfectionism for so long, that it was normative and anything else was foreign, especially the idea of sitting with my own imperfections in the presence of Jesus.  But, the very first time I attempted to do this I found something I had been seeking and I didn't even know it.  I found peace.

Not the inner peace the Eastern religions often describe and often ascribe to meditation - aimed at escaping from reality.  Not the peace that is absent of conflict either.

No, rather, peace that truly surpassed understanding. I found peace that allowed me to fully embrace reality with all of its messiness, brokenness and imperfection right here in front of me, and more importantly inside of me.  And it was amazing.  I recognized that while holding my imperfections in my own heart and soul, and allowing Jesus to surround me in his embrace, that my perfectionism had begun to lose its grip on me!

Now, I don't want to mislead you, I am far from complete or finished on this journey.  But, I can say this - Jesus has begun to do a wondrous work in my perfectionist heart, mind and soul - and I believe now more then ever he is going to bring it to completion!

For me, it requires regular space and time with Jesus.  In silence and prayer, in journaling and reflection Jesus embraces me, and I am continuing to practice self-embrace of my imperfection.

I will conclude with this, if you are a recovering perfectionist like me, or you are slowly having your eyes opened to your perfectionism.  Rest assured, there is freedom in the perfectly loving embrace of Jesus and his perfect love is the only thing that will release you from the anger or whatever other symptoms your perfectionism has produced in you.  Rest in his arms, Rest in his love, Open your hands and your soul to his perfect love, and he will give you something altogether far greater then perfectionism.  He will give you Himself.

Soul Soil

  I was recently reading a parable of Jesus in the fourth chapter of Mark's Gospel.  It has been referred to as the Parable of the Sower.  Jesus teaches a crowd about what it looks like to receive the Word of God.  In his parable there are four different types of soil.  (1) Heavily trodden, like on a path or walkway (2) Rocky, where there are many stones and little actual soil (3) Thorny, where a variety of rough and life draining plants grow in the soil as well (4) Deep/Rich, where seeds grow well and produce great fruit.  For as long as I can remember, I have heard this parable interpreted within the boundaries of evangelism and outreach.  Those who hear the Word, are the ones who receive Jesus and see great fruit.  And to a great degree this reading of the parable makes sense because of how Jesus actually explains it to his own disciples right after teaching it to the crowds.
  What I found interesting in this most recent read through, however, was that I found myself reflecting back on seasons of my own spiritual journey.  I felt as if the different types of soil reflected my own heart in different seasons.  And I came to see that while this definitely has a classical interpretation, it may actually serve another purpose as well.  It may be a helpful diagnostic on the condition of our souls on any given day of our spiritual journey.  We may find that on some days we are robbed of the joy of the Word because of the work of Satan.  We may find that on some days our neglect of the soil in our souls creates harsh conditions for seeds to grow.  We may find that on some days our distractions, obligations, and overly busy lives generate plentiful weeds, and very little fruit for the Kingdom of Jesus, because any seeds he is sowing are choked by our weedy lives.  And, as is the hope, we will find there are days where our hearts are in alignment with the Spirit's leading, and the soil of our souls is fertile and cultivated and deep.  And it is in this soil that the Word (Jesus) is planted and grows and reaches up and produces great and beautiful fruit.
  The beauty of the parable is of course in its organic nature.  The agricultural imagery and the earthy biological backbone to it all really resonates with life as we follow Jesus.  And the main point is, as stewards of our own souls - what kind of soil are we cultivating?  Are we cultivating it at all?  And do we need to put on some gloves, break out the shovel and rake, and break up, weed or fertilize our hearts so they are better at receiving whatever it is that the Lord wants to plant in us.

Finding Jesus in the Stories of Superheroes

  For much of my life I have believed in and followed Jesus, and as a result his story has been embedded in my mind and imagination for as long as I can remember.  Additionally, I have been drawn to the stories of fictional super heroes.  My first superhero encounter was with Superman, whose story actually mirrors that of Moses from the Old Testament. (a blog post for another day...) I really only liked wearing the Superman "S" on my chest because I thought it was cool that a superhero had my first and last initial on his outfit!  But, over the years I encountered others - Spiderman, Thor, the Flash, the Incredible Hulk, Batman so on and so forth.  It wasn't until the past few years that I discovered many other superheroes whose stories I had previously never heard.  Heroes like Antman, Black Panther and the Guardians of the Galaxy. Through the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the parallel DC movies like Man of Steel and Wonder Woman, I have discovered more and more about heroes I had never known.
  One example, was the character and story of the man known as Doctor Stephen Strange, whose picture I posted above.  I had never read the Dr. Strange comics, I hadn't even heard of him until Marvel began previewing the upcoming film about his origin story.
   Having been sucked into the swirling vortex of Marvel's Cinematic Hero Universe, I felt compelled to see this movie in the theater.  I was not only surprised, I was amazed and intrigued and for a number of reasons.  He is clearly a brilliant superhero, being a medical doctor with both an M.D. and a Ph.D.  He had a passion for bringing science and technology to bear on the great ailments and diseases of humanity.  Long before he 'received' his special set of super powers, Dr. Strange was already saving lives, it was his passion.  Admittedly, he was arrogant and self-centered and ultimately when he found himself unable to do surgery after a devastating accident severely injured his hands, he hit rock bottom.  But, the thing that strikes me most about his story is that he is never actually healed of his injury.  The scars remain on his hands, and after he is given the power to become the Sorcerer Supreme and protect Earth from all manner of  weird and mystical threats, his brilliance and intellect are humbled by his new physical limitations.
  I see in Dr. Strange's story a parallel to the life and journey of Jesus Christ.  Jesus was put to death on a cross, having his hands pierced by nails, and it is one of the central beliefs of Christianity that in Christ's wounds all of humanity is saved from sin and death.  It is the great irony of the Gospel (good news) that Jesus' death is actually what saves the world.  My love for Dr. Strange was only amplified by the fact that it is his wounds which paved the way for his superhero journey, and that while he now has amazing magical powers, he daily bears the scars on his body.
  There are clearly deviations from the story of Jesus in the life of Dr. Strange, but whenever I see pictures of him or see his character portrayed by the amazingly talented Benedict Cumberbatch, I am always subtly reminded of Jesus and how his wounded hands have set me free.

Eclecticology

This new name for my 10 year old blog, communicates the essence of what I have been trying to do with this platform.  I have over the course of these years commented on movies, and books and life experiences.  It has been truly eclectic.  And now, in making up a new word, I feel I have finally captured the concept of what I have been trying to do with this blog.

And so, it is with great excitement that I reenter the blogosphere with the goal of contributing thoughts and reflections on a diversity of topics.

I hope that my expressions, reflections and thoughts create a forum of invitation for others to read, think, ponder and observe.