Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

Hi, my name is Sam, and I am a recovering perfectionist.

There are probably a number of reasons why people develop the tendency toward perfectionism.  Maybe it's psychological or biological wiring.  Maybe it's birth order or family dynamics growing up.  Maybe it's life experiences that shape and push us toward perfectionism.  I don't have the answer to where it comes from, all I know is how I have tried to deal with it over the course of my own journey.

Perfectionism hasn't always had negative effects in my life.  It is possible to see my penchant for organization and productivity and efficiency as results of my perfectionism.  And yet, if I am honest with myself I know that the negative effects may far outweigh these potentially positive results of my perfectionism.

One such negative is the anger that perfectionism produces.  I had never in my life ever thought of myself as an angry person.  If you were to ask anyone who knows me, they would most likely use words like patient, kind and friendly to describe my personality and relationships.  However, while on the journey of seeking to understand my perfectionism, I ran across a personality inventory known as the Enneagram and a book which delves into its depths.  There is a book on the Enneagram by Richard Rohr, which opened my eyes to the insidious and largely undiscovered darkness of my perfectionism.  According to the Enneagram Type Indicator, I am a One, which largely struggles with perfectionism.  But, what I didn't know was that my perfectionism brought with it a root sin - anger.
Ironically, when I read this the first time, it made me angry.  I thought to myself "I am not an angry person!"  "My friends know I am kind, patient and very friendly!" "Who are you to tell me that I struggle with anger!"  And then when those first angry reactions subsided enough for me to think more clearly, it dawned on me, that I did suffer from a form of anger that was quite subtle. 

I call it self-anger.

I am a patient, kind and friendly person with others, but I struggle with anger toward myself when my plans don't work out the way I wanted, or work I invest in doesn't quite turn out the way I had hoped, or when I make mistakes...I get angry and I direct that anger toward myself and internalize it and it then fuels my perfectionism to do better the next time and not make the same mistakes twice and work harder then before.

So, the next question for me was: "What do I do with this information?"  Well, I discovered shortly thereafter (and I credit Jesus with revealing this next step to me) that in order to find freedom from my perfectionism I had to embrace my imperfection, and not just on my own, for that would surely lead me right back into the cycle of enslaving anger and perfection.  Rather, I had to embrace my imperfection while allowing Jesus to embrace me.

This was tough, because I had sat in the cycle of perfectionism for so long, that it was normative and anything else was foreign, especially the idea of sitting with my own imperfections in the presence of Jesus.  But, the very first time I attempted to do this I found something I had been seeking and I didn't even know it.  I found peace.

Not the inner peace the Eastern religions often describe and often ascribe to meditation - aimed at escaping from reality.  Not the peace that is absent of conflict either.

No, rather, peace that truly surpassed understanding. I found peace that allowed me to fully embrace reality with all of its messiness, brokenness and imperfection right here in front of me, and more importantly inside of me.  And it was amazing.  I recognized that while holding my imperfections in my own heart and soul, and allowing Jesus to surround me in his embrace, that my perfectionism had begun to lose its grip on me!

Now, I don't want to mislead you, I am far from complete or finished on this journey.  But, I can say this - Jesus has begun to do a wondrous work in my perfectionist heart, mind and soul - and I believe now more then ever he is going to bring it to completion!

For me, it requires regular space and time with Jesus.  In silence and prayer, in journaling and reflection Jesus embraces me, and I am continuing to practice self-embrace of my imperfection.

I will conclude with this, if you are a recovering perfectionist like me, or you are slowly having your eyes opened to your perfectionism.  Rest assured, there is freedom in the perfectly loving embrace of Jesus and his perfect love is the only thing that will release you from the anger or whatever other symptoms your perfectionism has produced in you.  Rest in his arms, Rest in his love, Open your hands and your soul to his perfect love, and he will give you something altogether far greater then perfectionism.  He will give you Himself.